I remember fifteen.
I was fifteen when I had my first kiss. He was a friend, I’d known him to some degree for three years. That year, though, we flirted in science class. We had study break before mock exams and he asked me to help him study.
Now, I’d always been the smart girl. Guys asked me to check their spelling, they didn’t ask me to the movies. Always the friend, never the girlfriend. And I felt like a freak - the only one of my friends who’d never been kissed. At fifteen I knew guys were starting to find me attractive … but that didn’t seem enough. They flirted with me, sure, but they never pursued me.
Until this guy. Cause it turned out, the only thing he wanted to study was the back of my throat.
He knew I’d never kissed anyone before. That didn’t stop him from trying to stick his hands down my pants.
And I went home feeling guilty. Guilty that I’d refused to have sex with him. Guilty that he’d wanted me and I’d disappointed him. When you’re fifteen and someone finally notices you, you want more than anything to make them happy. Even if it’s at the expense of your own happiness.
See, I didn’t want this guy to be my boyfriend. He was way too into sports and I didn’t like his friends and he flat out wasn’t interesting enough for me to want to date him. But he was funny, he was popular, and he wanted me. I can’t stress how intoxicating it is when you’ve never felt wanted before … you’ll do anything to hold onto that. Anything.
So add to that that this guy is older, he’s known in the youtube community, you have his songs on your iPod, you never thought he’d ever talk to you … let alone want you. You don’t want to seem like some stupid little girl who doesn’t know what she’s doing, do you? You don’t want to let him down. After all, you’re special. He picked you.
If I could go back to fifteen, I’d tell myself that there is no lonelier place than the arms of someone who doesn’t love you. But I doubt fifteen year old me would have listened.
Because being wanted is a drug I wasn’t strong enough to fight.
And these girls should never have had to.
It wasn’t their fault.
It wasn’t their fault.
